September 21st, 2012

Tanning Industry Uses ‘Big Tobacco’ Marketing Tactics to Paint Doctors as Villains

By Doug Barry

Tanning beds are awesome and full of life-blasting vitamins, whereas doctors are stupid, maybe even villainously stupid and need to be stopped from telling people who want only to lay their tired heads down on a bed of synthetic sunshine that tanning salons are not the second-best places in the Solar System (the first best being obviously the surface of our gracious Sun). According to a non-profit called, that’s the marketing tactic the tanning industry uses to prevent pale, hard-working Americans from being manipulated by the money-hungry AMA, which, if we’re being really honest with ourselves, probably just wants to sponge up all the UV rays itself while the rest of the population slowly turns into Morlocks.

Fact: Indoor tanning is a $4.9 billion industry

Fact: The GDP of Fiji, a noted sunny country, falls about $1 billion short of the tanning industry haul.

Sort-Of Fact: Vitamin D is important to the human body, but doctors are foolishly trying to cut off our access to it, which would lead to a horrifying vitamin D deficiency epidemic, quickly followed by a general increased risk of breast cancer, heart disease and autism.

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